Troubled Mothers and breaking intergenerational trauma
It's not fair, but breaking the doom cycle requires continual self-improvement and devotion to a better vision.
Matilda is one of my favourite films. As I get older I increasingly find myself asking what would a sequel look like. What became of Matilda Wormwood? Perhaps set during her years as a young adult or perhaps as a mother herself. I don’t buy the idea she went on plain sailing to have a fairytale life with Miss Honey and a happy ever after - not without navigating some heavy baggage along the way.
Mother's Day is a complex occasion for me.
I have been estranged from my biological mother for over a decade and rarely think of her. While she didn't get everything wrong, she was a troubled person who raised my sister and me in a private dominion, cut off from the rest of the world, without any checks and balances. Her toxic traits ruled the roost.
To escape my traumatic upbringing, I had to know myself very well. That’s because if you don’t then it will follow you even if you do vacate the scene.
Most people don't experience what I did, and even those who do often don't speak of it. I didn't receive much guidance or inspiration from the people around me, so I found it in the art of storytelling. Fiction and non-fiction authors alike brought to life the tenets of the human condition that helped me make sense of my challenges and broaden my horizons.
Often we allow our past experiences to determine how we view the present and decide our expectations for the future. Settling for our proclivity to perceive the present and future in this way would not have served me well, given my traumatic past. That sense of determinism makes intergenerational trauma and "lived experience" real and inescapable for many of us.
To break negative feedback loops, we need a vision of something different, a belief, and plenty of self-love to bring it about.
When you choose to estrange yourself from your parents, you take on the responsibility for your own future and choices. You also become responsible for your own healing from the past. The deal is, if you make a significant decision like estrangement, you have to own it and be fully responsible for your own future.
You cannot use your "lived experience" of your parents as an excuse for any shortcomings you have. You have faculties, and there are tools available to help you find an alternative path. The past is not an excuse for bad choices or for failures that keep us unhappy long after the cause of our unhappiness is gone.
We are all guided by something. The absence of a guardian leaves a vacancy that can be filled by memories of them, someone else, or a vision of a better future. For me, I choose to focus on a better vision. When I lose sight or belief in it, or when it just feels easier to ignore it, my life spirals back into chaos. However, when I embrace it by organising my choices around bringing a better life into existence, I become powerful again.
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